A Guide for Conservatives who Want to #BoycottTims

Tim Horton’s found itself in hot water (or as some call it, Tim Horton’s coffee) this past week when it decided to remove Enbridge ads from its in-store TV network.

Unfortunately for Timmy’s, Conservative Twitter took exception, starting #BoycottTims, which for a short time trended number one in Canada.

Screen Shot 2015-06-07 at 12.52.12 PM

I guess the 100,000 people who work for Tim Horton’s wouldn’t count as parents?

Even Conservative Members of Parliament took time out of not drawing the line with Tim’s over their treatment of temporary foreign workers to encourage the boycott:

Screen Shot 2015-06-07 at 12.52.58 PM

Conservatism: Let the free market decide, unless you don’t like what it decides, then write your MP.

I’m thankful #ConservativeTwitter loves to tell the left we have lazy and short-sighted activism, because I’ve learned enough from them (and have enough fair-trade organic coffee in my system) that I can now help them with their boycott.

1) Cease your support for organizations from whom Tim Horton’s benefits financially.

Tim’s hates our economy, and Tim’s makes millions off of NHL sponsorship, so it follows that anyone who continues to watch hockey at this point hates our economy. You don’t…hate our economy…do you?

If you’re truly serious about this boycott, which I’m sure you are, write the NHL here and tell them that unless they cut off all corporate partnership with Tim Horton’s effective immediately, you will cease watching NHL hockey or buying any of their merchandise (or at least only buy jerseys from the place our oil goes to).

Both Rogers and Bell Media have partnerships with Tim Horton’s, so as of this moment you’re done checking your hockey scores on Sportsnet or TSN, or watching any of their programming until those organizations condemn Timmy’s assault on Canadian interests. (Also you really shouldn’t have clicked that TSN link in the previous paragraph. Oops)

You'll find one of these ads in every NHL arena. Tell your favourite team you're done supporting them until they remove it. No big loss for you, right?

You’ll find one of these ads in every NHL arena. Tell your favourite team you’re done supporting them until it’s removed. NBD, right?

I trust northern Albertans are willing to sacrifice Connor McDavid’s first season for their noble cause.

2) Encourage other organizations who’ve partnered with Tim Horton’s to join the boycott.

Between 2007 and 2011, Tim’s supported the Canadian Forces by having a location for our troops in Kandahar. Tell our military to step up and say they will refuse any future partnership with Tim Horton’s.

Harper Government sez: Feeding our troops is a slippery slope to feeding our veterans.

Feeding our troops: A slippery slope to feeding our veterans.

Tim’s is a leading employer of people with disabilities in Canada. Tell organizations that support employment for PWDs to join the boycott.

Tim’s does other awful things like paying for kids to go to summer camps. Find the nearest one and start a forest fire.

3) Close your CIBC accounts and switch to Mastercard if you have any VISA.

Well, look at who VISA feels ok about supporting. Wanna borrow my scissors?

Wanna borrow my scissors?

4) Tell politicians who have shilled for Tim Horton’s that unless they now come out and condemn the corporation, they will not have your vote.

“There better not be coffee in this mug. Or film in that camera. Do cameras still have film?”

“Not gonna lie, this counter is the most fun I’ve had below the bagel B.E.L.T. in a quarter century.”

“I like my coffee how I like the economic benefit Canadians stand to gain from Northern Gateway – very small.”

“No seriously, I love this coffee so much, I’m gonna sell it to the United States on the cheap.”

5) Be SUPER careful you don’t commit terrorism.

Remember that interfering with the economy can now be construed as a terrorist act under Bill C51, so be sure to check whether a Conservative MP agrees with you on Twitter before you say anything or refuse to buy something. You want to make sure you don’t boycott the wrong thing.

Happy withholding of patronage, Conservative friends!

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